Something she said got me to thinking. And to quote Gaston’s loyal follower in Beauty and The Beast, it’s ‘a dangerous pastime’.

Well, thinking, and contemplating kicking myself when the internal soundtrack suddenly switched to the Carpenters singing This Masquerade

Was out for dinner with her and YX. Was a rather interesting evening.

Turns out that I’m giving a fair number of different impressions to people. Might explain why I somehow developed a ‘fan club’ amongst some of the nurses I used to work with?… which I still find amazingly hard to believe.

Her elder sister seems to think I’m the ‘cool’ sort. Honestly not sure what that means, since ‘cool’ was always the furthest thing from what I ever thought people would think of me. Then again, given my current job requires dealing with crises on an almost daily basis… mebbe it just means staying calm under pressure.

Her younger sister thinks I’m the mean kind. She picked up on my rather sarcastic sense of humour, apparently. Amazingly enough, it used to be worse.

What does she think?… she initially thought I was the cool sort, but as she’s getting to know me more… I’m… cute?…

Makes you wonder a bit.

We all display different faces to the world. Facades to hide ourselves from others. The reasons are many and varied, but can be summed up in a few simple words – we’re afraid of what the world would think, and we’re worried that others might hurt us if we gave too much of ourselves away.

Kinda stands to reason that the older we get, the more likely our barriers would be… more robust. More complex. They tend to be, as the world takes its toll. Just like skin hardens and thickens as it’s damaged, so do our protective barriers, and we tend to grow more distant as our defenses grow.

After a while, we tend to forget who we were. And if anyone ever makes us dare to emerge from our own little coccoons, it’s debatable whether we’re the same people that enter them.

Friends compare to me to animals, amusingly enough. Usually a grumpy bear, or a sleepy/pissed off cat. Possibly a step up from when I used to be seen as some kind of standoffish lone wolf, since it implies more human interaction. Even more amusing is how 妹ちゃん said I felt like a tamed cat after I got together with her. I couldn’t really argue. I did feel like a lot of the angst and rage had left me when that happened, and I feel… a lot happier than I’ve been for years. Granted it’s only been a couple of months, but those feelings haven’t waned a bit. And what I want most at the moment is to get to know her better… and for her to get to know me more.

She’s not perfect. But she knows what she wants, and is willing to tell me, rather than leave me guessing. And I like what I see so far. Quite a lot actually.

And I’m worried about whether she likes me for what I am, or whether she’ll be put off by what she finds.

Probably a common enough worry for a lot of people in a relationship… especially when just starting out.

Ah well. We agreed at the start that we’d see how things go. We discussed tonight how people get together, live together, and yet things still went to shit once they got married. The only way we’d ever know is to try things out and see how they work out. So… I’ll learn about her. She’ll learn about me. We’ll see each other [largely] for what we really are…

And I hope things work out.